PMDD

Pmdd

And I think the reason why I had such aggressive premenstrual dysphoric disorder was because I had to be skinny to be respectable and to be accepted.

And when you're so skinny like I was in California, your body basically forces you to slow down and sleep and eat because you're living on adrenaline and between living on adrenaline trying to accomplish the impossible, the body must regulate itself with food rest and sleep..

And then people had the gall to say you should have stayed away from this food and starved yourself.

And that's why it's so in to be basically the Crypt Keeper in California and all over the world..

your peers are trying to f****** kill you with their stupid diets and lack of tolerance..

And now they would be right because the climate has changed and food will kill people and that's what's f***** because those who are severely allergic to food could f****** die from it.

They would have to know they can handle the symptoms of retention and release

 Yeah people in California were trying to f****** kill me. California was going to f****** kill me..

It took me 20 years to leave California because it would have killed me..

and that's why once a month I would have to call in sick for at least a day or two and that's not acceptable in Corporate America.

 And during that time I would be wolfing down pounds and pounds of spaghetti and food and sleeping to make up for the energy and lack of food and rest trying to keep up with my peers and the environment

So yeah I had to stay home at least a few days out of the month after a long weekend or short weekend and you're not allowed to do that. Especially not in California.

 People will call you lazy and some people will force to be drugged and under the influence in order to keep up and that's how people destroy themselves

And so my Menses was the major triggers to slow me down and it would be about a week warning and then another week of catching up and that was my life. I even tried to go to Kaiser to get relief and all they could do was prescribe me Prozac and i wasn't going to be drugged

so I chose to suffer..

I also believe that Pharmaceuticals are a gateway drug into cannabis and other mood modulators because if I were to take the Prozac and then get tired of it and use cannabis then I would have been hooked.

 I would have traded one addiction for another and then use excessive caffeine or supplements or get on uppers to counter the other effects of the drugs and that's where people get f*****

So I chose to suffer and it wasn't always in silence because I would feel the stares and I would deal with the snide comments from my peers and the job descriptions sent to me because they thought I was lazy and so I had to walk away from everybody and basically flipped them all off

 And so i changed the way I did things around occupations and so I worked for myself cold calling setting my own hours. And I expanded my capacity to suffer which is probably why I'm not a drug addict or an alcoholic today and I can handle pain and suffering. And luckily I didn't have any kids.

When I got married and we were on the truck that's when I finally gained the weight that I needed and then after that it was developing the protocol because even working here in OHIO I had the same issue.

 I was in such fast forward frenetic mode working for that life insurance company competing against my peers and I was going to get f***** once again. So I had to change the way I did things.

And I almost got a hysterectomy because when I talked to the human resources, I told them I had aggressive pmdd and that when my benefits kicked in, I would remove my uterus in order to work for that company. I told the HR Director that. And if she was on my Facebook she would probably remember that conversation.

But instead of suffering and making promises I couldn't keep I just quit that job and developed my protocol and I had to convince my husband it was the right thing.

And I'm sure you know how hard that was to tell your husband you need to do something different because people always think someone's taking advantage of them.

Especially right-wing Republicans who want to work people to death. Right-wing Republican men think everyone is lazy and they don't understand not everybody is as capable as them. Even right-wing Republican women don't understand not all women can keep up with drugs and alcohol and crazy sex and having big families

Can you imagine that conversation?

Can you imagine a very capable right-wing male understand somebody doesn't have the capacity to be immunologically consistent and there was no way of knowing if I ever could be

 but I think now I could be, but I'm going to save myself for when he truly needs me. Because if I wasn't here he would still be doing the same thing he's doing.

Even this last summer he was like oh my God when are you going to stop being so sick. Finally, I got over it but when the climate changes sometimes I need to take a nap and eat food. And sometimes I get hives but not as bad as it was.

 But I don't get as sick like I did The Last 5 Years.

Oh my God that's when you really have to have the gift of conversation and sales to sell your position to your own husband or wife who has absolutely no understanding what it's like to deal with a chronic condition that is not recognized by the general population..

Luckily he understood but it was a f****** fight and a lot of arguments..

 I almost sacrificed myself for a company who could give two s**** about me.. and I wasn't there long enough to feel like I owed it to them to give up my life through surgery and organ removal

So from 2016 to 2019 I experimented with food rest and relief and felt the pain and suffering and then when climate change or the pandemic came around that's when everything woke up and that's why I gained so much weight because I had to. I had energy to convert and demons to release and it was an aggressive five year process..

 I'm sorry, but surely I had to extricate myself from the things that would tempt me to keep up with everyone. And it's a battle when people want to force you into keeping up with them whether it's socially or even occupationally.

 And it's not like they literally forced me but their would always be questions and concerns and assumptions.

That's the invisible peer pressure when you know how people operate, what they think. They will take things personally and if they're that forward they'll make snide comments or jabs in passing

And then people try to diagnose you to get you to keep up with them and you know that lifestyle was what going to kill you but you have to stand your ground and I did.

People would say oh Jillian's depressed that's why she's home all the time. They will say so many things but they don't realize that lifestyles can kill you and there was no way I could play certain lifestyles forever because it would have killed me and it would have killed my marriage.

 So I would rather risk my marriage and Stand My Ground and save myself than to allow people to tempt me to keep up with them and then I would suffer even more and resent everyone around me.

 Those are the trade-offs when it comes to survival

 Believe me I suffered for it and I'm sure I'm still hated for leaving whatever I had to leave but you do what you have to do to save yourself..

And people thought I was stupid and dumb for leaving California. People thought it was stupid and dumb for not trying to get some high-level job to compete and look like I'm successful. They thought I basically gave up.

No, I knew I would die if I didn't change the way I did stuff. And that's self-preservation and that's sorely misunderstood among most people who never had to suffer SO MUCH because they were always under the influence or had the easy way out because somebody gave them their life and immunity.

They had friends and family to fall back on all the time and they had a strong immune system to deal with the drugs. There was no way I was going to end up like that..

So I developed my own path and I left everyone and everything and suffered the ridicule and I still suffer the ridicule today but it is what it is, I saved myself. I wouldn't go back and change anything.

My husband and I have no one truly to fall back on if life goes really wrong.

We only have each other. Yeah, your friends can kind of help buffer but your friends can't live your life and they can't pay your bills and you should never ask your friends to pay your bills.

And in my opinion, you should never ever ask your family to pay your bills because that shows you have not grown up and have not matured at all.

 If you can't afford your lifestyle, don't make your friends and family finance it, because that's really disrespectful to your friends and family who are also trying to survive.

 And what happens when you've basically depleted your parents bank account or your friends bank account and there's nothing left for them to give you? You won't survive or you'll find somebody else to go and feed off of. And people like that are very transparent

So what I did the last 8 years was get myself back online and capable so that way I not only can be a contributing member by not spending so much money, but i could also be a backup for my husband..

 But I will not mortgage myself up the yin yang by living off of two incomes forcing both of us to kill ourselves to keep up with everyone around us.

 I want to give myself my husband room to scale down without losing the farm..

That's the strategy to survive in climate change is you don't live off a two person income because how the hell are you going to scale down when both of you must work to support a huge house and a huge lifestyle and social capital.

 That's the American Nightmare and the American trap..

People work each other to death and they call it love and respect.

 No that's called slavery through love and manipulation and then marriages end because everyone is depleted and stressed out blaming each other for how much they are responsible for.

And that's ALSO why children get destroyed by the parents because the parents see the writing on the wall and they don't have the funds or the tolerance to support feeding so many mouths...

How did I help my husband?

 by not taking on any more debt and by not taking on pets and by not having a huge social lifestyle...

 I didn't add to the stress that's already out there. I kept taking away his stresses without depleting myself or him... and I make sure I don't add any more medical bills or protocols to an already strict budget. I know what I can afford.

The strategy is the lowest common denominator in that house is able to work and pay the most basic bills and even trade in luxury items or give them up all together.

One person should be able to make the mortgage and the utilities and a phone and a computer and the internet and maybe a very low car payment or buy one car outright.

 One person who isn't working should have enough skills to keep their own life going should their partner have to stay home and rest..

The person who's working in my opinion should be able to scale down and stay home if they have to.

 If not then you are enslaving your husband or wife to stay in the workforce until they f****** die and you don't give them any choice in the matter because you have needs and a social life to keep up with in; an image to maintain

and that's how people in marriages f*** each other and that's why there's such a high divorce rate.

Because they had no strategy for the unthinkable. They thought they could live the same lifestyle they had forever.

 Sorry people change and so does the environment.

In my opinion your significant other who you are legally bound to should be an asset like an insurance policy not a minion or a Slave on either end.

This is to all the PAST hiring managers laughing at my resume and supervisors who didn't understand why I called in sick.

I mean how many times can you have the f****** flu right?

So all of you employers who wondered what I did when I called in sick. This is what I did.. I used the money I was paid to buy spaghetti and watch movies and sleep and suffer because I knew I would walk into an office of MEAN STARES from clicky b****** and snide comments..

my last company was not so bad but when I was in San Francisco f****** clicky b****** were everywhere..

and I would have anxiety trying to figure out another credible excuse of why I called in sick. That's why I was so good writing my resume and going to interviews.

So, if there's somebody in your office who's calling in sick a lot yeah they could be lazy and partying

 or they could truly be f****** dealing with some crazy conditions you know nothing about..

And so today I am 1000% clean and sober and I kicked the pmdd

And I can eat all food and I don't have to be under the influence trying to be happy all the time

I faced my demons

 And I changed my life

And I am representation and I don't force myself down anyone's throat

And it was worth it and it was brutal and I will never ever f****** my body ever again like I did trying to react to disease. And I have a very long memory